Most of the time, people around us want to appear strong in front of others, hence they prefer hiding their own feelings and fears, so as not to appear weak.
But I would rather choose to do the opposite. Why? Because I am only a human being. I want you, my readers, to know what is going on in my mind.
I have my own internal struggles, just like anyone out there.
I want to express myself freely so that I can be comfortable in my own skin in anyone’s presence, without the need to pretend like somebody else. I don’t want to be hypocritical.
I like to observe people quietly, and take initiative to approach or interact with people whom I find more smarter and successful than myself so that I can do something on my own, hoping to emulate them. It can be the way how I conduct myself, the way how I should plan things or the way how I perceive certain matters. So that hopefully one day, I can daresay that I can benchmark myself against them. Yeah. To be the best version of myself.
But the weird thing is…the more I interact with these people, the more I am conscious about myself. Envy? Yes, maybe. “Oh gawd, they are all very smart people.” Then I would start to think “Maybe I don’t think I am good enough (to be like them). I wouldn’t be able to do this (task) as good as these uni undergrads.”
Despite the fact that I am a diploma holder from a local recognised private institution. It is not that I am looking down on myself but why?????
My hearing impairment? Definitely. So I keep quiet most of the time.
Another reason is possibly, my not-so-serious inferiority complex at play sometimes. “I was formerly from ITE so they are much better than me. I still need to think before I make a response in an intellectual dialogue, so perhaps it may be better for me to just shut up and listen.”
If you ever see me behaving in a quiet yet self-conscious manner, that is probably what these 2 things are playing in my mind.
Yes, I am well aware that it will always be a tug of war between the mind (devil) and the heart (angel), for as long as I live.
Hmm.. So that is my above confession. lol.